I Have No Idea What I'm Doing


I feel like for most of my life I have had everything pretty figured out. Or if I didn’t, at least I looked like I did. It’s only now I realize for the first time, or maybe just am able to admit for the first time…


I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING. 


When I was in highschool I decided I want to be a teacher. I set my life up for that path and listened and studied teachers. I was more than well prepared for the college life since a degree is necessary to be a teacher (a legal one that is). 


I went to school and immediately had my sights set on education. I was going to major in Physical Education and then end up at a highschool somewhere to teach leadership.


This might seem a little bit crazy because a PE teacher and leadership teacher are not the most desirable or easiest jobs to find, but I knew a lot of people all over the state from connections and networking so surely it wouldn’t be easy, but it would be possible. 


I really only ran into one problem. I hated college. 


Now let me clarify because it wasn’t the school part that I hated. I went to Central Washington University and really loved the environment. My teachers were phenomenal. The kids in my classes were great. See I think that I actually love school, I just don’t like the education system.


I feel like sometimes we spend too much time, money and energy memorizing useful facts.


The current public college system to me seems like a great way to waste 2 years and 40 thousand dollars until you finally actually get into the stuff that will help. So long story short, I dropped out of my school my sophomore year. 


I had bigger and better things to do, I wanted to run Project Love People full time.


I dove in head first into the business and “entrepreneur” world (in quotes because I get called this, but I’m not really one). I found myself working 8-10 hours a day at home on a computer. I became completely obsessed with business and how to make a difference in such a corrupt world. 


For nearly 2 months straight, I did nothing but grind, grind, grind! I was pumping out content and developing platforms and plans behind the scenes. I was taking conference call after conference call and trying to really scale what it is I wanted to do. 


But then, when I came home for break, something kind of hit me. Is this really what I want to spend my life doing? 


Is the life of business really I want? 


See the reason I started the business in the first place was never to make content, platforms or even clothes, in fact the only thing I wanted to do was spread love and make life simple. 


And to me, business might not be my avenue to do that. I just find myself being removed from the actual work completely. Rather than be out in the open spreading love and connecting with people, I am sitting behind a computer acting like I was building a powerful business when in reality…


I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING. 


On top of the business side of things, I also left school so that I could be a full time public speaker. 


I already had some energy and excitement around my name and my beliefs and a few opportunities to be on stages here and there. Surely now that I was not in school I could really blow up and hit a good speaking tour. I would become a true professional.


I saw myself traveling across the world spreading love and hope through my words. 


Though as life became more and more serious and I started thinking about what I really want in life, I want nothing more than to be an amazing father and husband. A life that does not mix well with traveling constantly.


Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that someone cannot have a travel demanding career and also be an amazing spouse and parent, I just don’t want to spread my time and energy in that matter. 


So it became very clear very quickly, I don’t want my whole life to be public speaking. And what became even clearer is…


I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING. 


I’m now a college dropout struggling to pay my rent each month writing some crappy unedited blog post at a coffee shop in the town I grew up in.


I guess for a lot of my life I would have counted this as a failure. I think plenty of people could look at my life and count me as a failure. Sometimes I still count myself as a failure. 


However the truth is, I’m happy.


I have no idea what I’m doing and yet I’m happy. 


No actually scratch that I am not even just happy, I am filled with joy. I am beyond excited that I still have so much life to live and so many things to learn. Ecstatic because I have no requirements and no demands. Hopeful because I know that I have people on my side and a big man in the sky looking out for me. Relieved because I finally have some time to think. 


See I may have no idea what I’m doing, BUT I DO KNOW WHO I AM BEING. 


And that’s what brings me joy.


I think part of the reason so many of us are stressed out is because we think we always have to know exactly what we are doing. We get caught up in our plans and our processes and formulas, so consumed by making sure everything works the way we want it to and when we want it to. 


And yet, in my eyes, true freedom and true perspective comes from where we are satisfied and joyful even when we HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE ARE DOING.


Might I suggest that it is time to stop thinking so hard about what you are doing and for once, just focus on who you are being. 


Are you treating people the right way? 

Are you treating yourself the right way?

Are you thinking about yourself?

Are you loving the place you are in?

Are you acting the way you want to? 

Are you happy when you wake up in the morning? 


I guess I just think it’s time we stop worrying so much about WHAT we are doing and instead think about WHO we are being.


In fact, one of my favorite people on this planet, his name is Houston Kraft has a tattoo on his forearm that simply says:


“ be > do “


So just like Houston’s little tiny tat, let’s stop stressing about knowing what to do and start thinking about who we want to be. 


I’m now looking at going back to school. Yes, the dreaded education system that I ranted about earlier is sucking me back in. Because now that I am being who I want to be, what I want to do has become so much clearer. 


And you would never guess what that is…


A freaking leadership teacher. The path I had originally started. Funny how life works. But at the end of the day, no matter what happens or where I end up, I will always know…


I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING


But I am being who I want to be.


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